Three Little Pigs

Yet more clumsy, clumsy parody from a 21 year old. I see this stuff now and wince. But since I can't be arsed to think and write about the rather exhausting past two weeks, this will have to do.

Minutes of XVII meeting, IX Division of the Committee for Public Security
Members attendant :
Director N. Chuikov.
Deputy Director V. Ilanov
Comrade P. Kasich
Comrade C. Stukach
Comrade T. Lyubanska
Members unable to attend:
Comrade A. Stukach
Comrade B. Stukach
1. The meeting was convened by Deputy Director V. Ilanov at 16:32 on 8 October 1984.
2. Director N. Chuikov stated that global socialism was an attainable goal, which would be realised in all the committee's lifetime.
3. Director N. Chuikov expressed surprise at the lack of participants in the meeting.
4. Comrade C. Stukach informed Director N. Chuikov that both Comrades A. Stukach and B. Stukach would be unable to attend the meeting.
5. Director N. Chuikov reiterated that all members of the Committee for Public Security are to attend come rain or shine.
6. Comrade C. Stukach regretfully informed Director N. Chuikov that Comrades A. Stukach and B. Stukach were unable to attend the meeting by virtue of being deceased.
7. Director N. Chuikov declared that this was an inadmissible excuse. All members of the Committee for Public Security are expected to be faithfully present at all prescribed meetings. No exceptions are allowed for any reason whatsoever.
8. Comrade C. Stukach said that he would apprise both Comrades of their duties as members of the State's functionary organs.
9. Director N. Chuikov expressed his sympathies at Comrade C. Stukach's loss. The question of circumstances surrounding the deaths of Comrades A. Stukach and B. Stukach was raised.
10. Comrade C. Stukach replied that both Comrades A. Stukach and B. Stukach were slain by a cannibalistic imperialist counter-revolutionary functionary who entrapped these heroes of socialism.
11. Director N. Chuikov deeply regretted the loss of the valiant Comrades A. Stukach and B. Stukach. They would be sorely missed.
12. Deputy Director V. Ilanov enquired as to the cannibalistic nature of the imperialist enemy.
13. Comrade C. Stukach stated that both Comrades A. Stukach and B. Stukach were eaten by the insidious enemy agent hereafter referred to as B.B. Wolf.
14. Comrade P. Kasich questioned whether Comrade B. Stukach was employing a figure of speech.
15. Comrade C. Stukach retorted that both Comrades A. Stukach and B. Stukach were physically cooked and eaten by B.B. Wolf.
16. Comrade T. Lyubanska retched on the floor.
17. Deputy Director V. Ilanov motioned for a recess of five minutes.
18. Comrade T. Lyubanska vehemently seconded the motion.
19. A recess was taken at 16:42 on 8 October 1984 by the IX Division of the Committee for Public Security.
20. At 16:48 on 8 October 1984, the IX Division of the Committee for Public Security reconvened.
21. Director N. Chuikov reprimanded Comrade T. Lyubanska for tardiness. A motion was raised to suspend Comrade T. Lyubanska's secondary privileges for a seven day period.
22. Deputy Director V. Ilanov seconded the motion.
23. As duly noted, Comrade T. Lyubanska will have all secondary privileges suspended. Comrade T. Lyubanska is to turn in her bathroom key and soap bar at the end of the meeting.
24. Director N. Chuikov reiterated that timeliness is of the essence. To build a global socialist state built upon true Marxist-Leninist dialectic, all stated timings must be adhered to.
25. Deputy Director V. Ilanov asked Comrade B. Stukach to recount the circumstances surrounding the death of Comrades A. Stukach and B. Stukach.
26. Comrade C. Stukach replied that Comrade A. Stukach had been staying in his dacha, in the Kara suburb, north of Moscow on the night of October 5 1984. While Comrade A. Stukach was busy composing a treatise on the inevitability of victory of Marxist-Leninist dialectic over the imperialistic capitalistic forces of the so-called First World, a squad of twenty men closed upon Comrade A. Stukach's dacha. Using main force, the twenty man squad hammered down the walls of Comrade A. Stukach's dacha and held him down. B.B. Wolf approached the valiant hero and as his men held the valiant Comrade A. Stukach down, ate Comrade A. Stukach alive.
27. Comrade T. Lyubanska was violently sick.
28. Director N. Chuikov commanded Comrade T. Lyubanska to leave the room.
29. Comrade T. Lyubanska left the room.
30. Deputy Director V. Ilanov motioned that a five minute recess be imposed.
31. Comrade P. Kasich seconded the motion.
32. A recess was taken at 16:56 on 9 October 1984 by the IX Division of the Committee for Public Security.
33. At 17:00 on 9 October 1984, the IX Division of the Committee for Public Security reconvened.
34. Director N. Chuikov remarked that this efficiency was a good sign. All members of the State should strive to reach such a high level of time saving. Twenty percent time saved was no small matter.
35. Deputy Director V. Ilanov enquired as to the circumstances surrounding Comrade A. Stukach's death. Were the walls of proper construction, to be so easily torn down by a mere twenty men? Surely good Soviet construction would withstand twenty thousand men, as it had during the Great Patriotic War.
36. Comrade C. Stukach replied that the dacha had been built by the imperialist Tsarist forces before the light of socialist reason was brought to the Rodina.
37. Director N. Chuikov remarked that this tragedy was undoubtedly the cause of inferior construction.
38. Deputy Director V. Ilanov enquired as to the circumstances surrounding Comrade B. Stukach's death.
39. Comrade C. Stukach replied that Comrade B. Stukach was surprised in bed on the night of October 6th 1984 by the collapsing of the walls around him. The same squad of twenty men attempted to seize Comrade B. Stukach, but forewarned by the death of Comrade A. Stukach, Comrade B. Stukach managed to slay a good number of the traitorous lackeys in the pay of the imperialist B.B. Wolf.
40. Deputy Director V. Ilanov expressed admiration for the prowess of Comrade B. Stukach. No doubt, when fired by the righteousness of the cause in this never ending class struggle, Comrade B. Stukach was inspired by the spirit of the New Soviet Man.
41. Director N. Chuikov retorted that it was more likely that the imperialist lackeys were complacent and that as time goes by the triumph of the dialectic is inevitable.
42. Comrade P. Kasich fervently affirmed Director N. Chuikov's remarks.
43. Comrade C. Stukach proceeded to recount that despite Comrade B. Stukach's valiant efforts, he was overwhelmed and suffered the same fate as Comrade A. Stukach.
44. Deputy Director V. Ilanov enquired as to whether Comrade C. Stukach had lived in a dacha similar to that of Comrade A. Stukach.
45. Comrade C. Stukach replied that though Comrade B. Stukach did indeed live in the Kara region, his dacha was built by Soviet engineers. However, it was built in during the period of a certain Jew's* appointment as Secretary of Public Affairs.
46. Director N. Chuikov remarked that Comrade C. Stukach's family seemed to have a propensity to stay in houses built by enemies of the State.
47. Comrade C. Stukach retorted that he lived in an dacha built by Comrade E. Drubenskaya during the Great Patriotic War. It had doubled as a defensive bunker during the great battles which the fascists had encountered during their ill-fated and in any case doomed from the start attempt to capture Moscow.
48. Comrade P. Kasich remarked that no doubt the unsoundness of doctrine leads to unsoundness of construction.
49. Director N. Chuikov noted that Comrade P. Kasich had a propensity to state the obvious.
50. Deputy Director V. Ilanov expressed the sentiment that B.B. Wolf had lived far too long.
51. Comrade C. Stukach agreed with this sentiment, but declared that the reign of terror imposed by B.B. Wolf had come to an end.
52. Comrade P. Kasich inquired as to how this situation had come about.
53. Comrade C. Stukach replied that on the night of October 7th 1984, B.B. Wolf and his squad of lackeys approached his dacha. Thanks to the solid construction and Soviet architecture as exemplified by Comrade E. Drubenskaya's handiwork, all the imperialists were thwarted and exhausted in their attempts to destroy Comrade C. Stukach's dacha. When the foolish imperialists had exhausted all their energy, Comrade C. Stukach left the dacha and proceeded to kill all the capitalist lackeys in true righteous fervour, as a true New Soviet man should.
54. Director N. Chuikov enquired what Comrade C. Stukach had done with B.B. Wolf.
55. Comrade C. Stukach replied that he had broken B.B. Wolf's arms and legs.
56. Director N. Chuikov expressed the importance of knowing the fate of the agent provocateur B.B. Wolf. Is B.B. Wolf still alive.
57. Comrade C. Stukach replied that an eye was fair payment for an eye.
58. Director N. Chuikov commanded Comrade C. Stukach not to be deliberately obscure. What was the fate of B.B. Wolf.
59. Comrade C. Stukach replied that B.B. Wolf had been eaten. By Comrade C. Stukach.
60. The meeting of the IX Division of the Committee for Public Security was declared closed by unanimous votes by reason of ill health at 17:15 on 9 October 1984.

Recorded by O. Riabtchenko,
17:20 October 9th 1984.